Go west, young woman, and grow up with the country

I am preparing to move once again across the Mississippi to the land of mountains and opportunity and this time we can include deserts and duels. Packing my belongings has been an experience of reflection and humility and also nervousness and excitement for what lies ahead.

Today I stood in my room up to my knees in papers and clothing and boxes and felt that I have literally ripped apart my life at the seams. In many ways it has been wonderfully therapeutic: a pivotal time in my life that seems a perfect reason to cleanse myself of the rest of the unnecessary possessions and memories we all keep, the ones that sometimes clutter our lives but we don’t want to let go. It has been an exercise in realizing the excessive nature of Americans to keep so many things, and a testament to the truth of my own selfish need to hold on to items that remind me of moments in my life. I have learned that I can remember a wonderful dinner without the coaster from the restaurant; I can remember a journey or an adventure without the map and I can enjoy the memory of a friendship without needing to reread the letters that document the tumultuous and celebratory times associated with it. I by no means have thrown away everything but I am filling the car for my second trip to St. Vincent de Paul’s to donate what I feel are items I no longer need. I have also filled two garbage cans with trash and things that really were just taking up space.

But all of this cleaning and cleansing paired with the excitement of moving and the irrational fear of not being enough for the new job has taken its toll on me. I have spent my last few days feeling very broken. The whole experience has been a rebirth for me. This is the beginning of my adult life and my first real job but I am also still a child asking my parents for the money to make the trek West while searching for their approval and understanding. It is so humbling to ask for help – to know that you can’t do something without support from the people in your life. My parents have always been supportive of me and my strange need to be near mountains and the ‘left coast’ as my dad calls it. Jenny and Nick provided food and housing for me during my interview weekend. My sister Sara has generously given up a vehicle so I can have one in Arizona. My grandfather has offered to make the drive West with me. And my good friend Aaron Griffith listened to my frustrations and calmed my fears through a weepy phone call this weekend.

In a sermon at Horizon Christian Fellowship in San Diego Pastor Mike defined grace as ‘unmerited favor’. I think that is the most perfect, simple, honest definition of the word. During my hiatus from work and school I have spent time working to grow in my faith. And while I have been blessed and humbled with God's grace and patience, I have also been blessed with the presence of so many amazing, generous, kind hearted people who grace my life with their support and belief in me. I feel in so many ways that I don’t deserve to be treated this well and I hope that someday I will be able to repay the people who have done so much to make my dreams and ambitions become real to me.