A story of faith

I feel really excited about finding a church. It is huge for me right now and is the best time of year to do this. I've been thinking so much lately about when I allowed everything else to become more important to me. I think it started when I moved west for the first time - to Oregon, and I wanted so much to become a stronger more independent woman. I gave up my relationship with God to try to make it on my own. And I found that I'm not very good at it. (Matthew 10:39) There have been times in the past few years that I have taken steps in the right direction like finding a church in San D. and making it to church on the holidays but it needs to be something that is a part of my life every day and not just when it is convenient. (1 Cor. 10:31)

It has been difficult for me to really make a commitment because I have felt very intimidated. I have been afraid to go back to church and afraid to call myself a Christian because I was so far from where I knew I should be. I continued to trudge forward on the wrong path, afraid to turn around and not confident in what lied ahead. But then I made some important changes in the focus of my life and was offered a job at Yellowstone. I was placed at Old Faithful where there were amazing examples of what it meant to be faithful and where I was surrounded by people patient enough to continue to give me gentle nudges in the right direction.

I do believe that working with Blake was a gift - our friendship was the beginning of a turn of events that has made a huge impact on the direction of my life. Blake gave me a Bible when I realized that mine had been left in Livingston in my storage unit, he gave me The Purpose Driven Life and also connected me with people (RJ, Ngoc and the Joshes) who became very instrumental in my new journey.

Of course anyone who knows RJ Bullen would not deny that he carries a message of love with him - God's love and our love and loving each other. (Gal 5: 13-15) RJ definitely taught me all about loving my neighbor. And I will be forever thankful for Josh Woodward who really opened the door for me by inviting me to join the last Bible study before the Christian Innovators left the park and ultimately moving the meeting to my office so I could be a part of it. Then Ngoc asked me to spend the weekend with the Innovators in West Yellowstone. And finally I listened to yet another Josh's testimony at church on Sunday and was moved by the message from this normally very reserved man who obviously had a gift for speaking candidly about faith and who quietly but firmly challenged each of us to become better people and live our lives as better examples. And then I heard Josh describe the story of so many people who move to Yellowstone and become confused because they are simultaneously running from the conviction of God and searching for Him. Although I had not been willing to admit it, this had been my dilemma all along. I was running around the country, searching for strength and a place to belong and the whole time what I really needed was to give my independence away and develop a relationship with God.

I will not pretend that I made an immediate change in my life after that weekend. I was still nervous and even ashamed. The change did not come the next day or the next week, but the events leading up to the experience of that weekend did plant a seed that eventually became something I chose to cultivate. (The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. - C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity) I thank God everyday for placing me at Yellowstone in a setting that allowed me to find my faith again on my own terms and without pressure. And I am learning more and being challenged more everyday.

And still these people are blessing my life by sharing what God has taught them. (I Tim 6:18) Blake sent me a book called Searching For God Knows What that has opened my eyes and addressed many of my concerns about Christianity.

And this weekend I was happily surprised by a phone call from Jennifer Grenoble. After making it through a long stretch of dropped calls, Jennifer found her place with her nose against the refrigerator and I sat on my counter leaning against the window with my feet in the sink. This is where we finally found a good connection. We had an amazing conversation about what each of us needs to do to become better Christians and how we can make changes to prevent hearing my father's "Now girls...that's not very Christian of you."

We also discussed what we see as some of the road blocks of teaching about Christianity: how certain words or phrases can immediately throw a wrench in a conversation that began with perfectly good intentions, the way we sometimes forget how intimidating God speak can be and how arrogance (I keep hearing this word) can turn away a non-believer before we get a chance to plead our case.

Sometimes we believe we are better off because of where we stand and forget that this is not a competition. It is not about a winner and a loser. It is about faith and fellowship - leading by example (You must be the change you wish to see in the world. - Mahatma Gandhi) and challenging those around us to become better while changing ourselves in the process. It is knowing that Christian or not, we are all sinners.

Max Lucado states this well with a parable in Traveling Light:

Pretty soon we start praying like the fellow at the religious caucus: "God, I thank you that the world has people like me. The man on the corner needs welfare - I don't. The prostitute on the street has AIDS - I don't. The drunk at the bar needs alcohol - I don't. The gay caucus needs morality - I don't. I thank you that the world has people like me."

Fortunately there was a man at the same meeting who had deflected all the applause. Too contrite to even look at the skies he bowed and prayed, "God have mercy on me, a sinner. Like my brother on welfare, I'm dependent on your grace. Like my sister with AIDS, I'm infected with mistakes. Like my friend who drinks, I need something to ease my pain. And as you love and give direction to the gay, grant some to me as well. Have mercy on me, a sinner."

I see qualities of myself in the prayer of the first man, so for Lent I am giving up the attitude of superiority that the first man possesses and fighting to change my perspective to more closely match the humility of the second man.

I also am giving up making excuses and eating chocolate, just for the record.